When balance isn't balance

I have followed a really rocky, roundabout, bumpy path in a lot of ways. I played softball for 14 years and loved (mostly) every minute. For a while, I thought I loved the activity, but now I realize I loved just being part of a team. It wasn't the workouts and practices that kept me at it. By the time I reached my senior year in high school, I had been playing year-round with only December as a break for the last 3 years, and I just felt done. I had had shoulder problems for years and my knee was starting to be a bother too. I knew I wasn't going to play in college, so it didn't feel worth it anymore. I threw in the towel before my senior season, and I've never regretted it.

It took a while, but my newly stagnant life began to catch up with me around 2009. I knew I needed to be active in college but how to do that eluded me. I'd try to go run a couple miles, but it was so difficult that I felt a little down at how hard it was. I'd intermittently track what I ate on MyFitnessPal, but I would usually get to the end of the day and stop tracking. "Close enough," I'd tell myself. One little Totino's pizza won't be that big of a deal. I didn't finish my entire Zaxby's meal earlier, and I only ate half the ranch, so I probably still have some caloric wiggle room. I wasn't feeding my body, I was feeding my emotions. Even as I started to get more interested in kinesiology and health courses, I didn't apply anything that I learned. One week, I'd go to the student activities center 4 times, the next, I would binge watch Grey's Anatomy all day, skip class, and get Chinese food. It wasn't balance, it was guilt yo-yoing.

Exercising balance is one thing, but it takes an honest, hard look at what you're doing. Did my activities sound like balance to you? It was a sort of bipolar attitude, if you ask me. I'd be "good" for a few days, which left me feeling both a little proud and a lot deprived, so I'd tell myself I earned a few days off and some treats. These snowballed into full days of declining social events with friends and eating whatever garbage I had stocked up on. I'd go to bed most nights with a bag of popcorn. Typing it out, it all sounds so sad. And really, it was. I had a relatively active social life half the time where I'm sure I put on a happy face. I mean, I was truly happy when I was with my friends. But I had this whole hidden, shameful side of me that felt so powerful.

The whole point of even sharing any of this is that I see the word "balance" as one of the latest buzz words. It's like the new "everything in moderation." It's extremely vague and unhelpful. Just how do you actually achieve balance? I can't answer that. I can't tell you what is ok for you to splurge on today. But what I can tell you is to examine your motives. Are you going for that donut because you earned it? Well that's not balance. Food is not a monetary system. You don't earn a single piece of it, much like grace. It is there, abundantly, and you should take it.

No, I didn't say eat all the donuts. We all get to the point where we want to do that sometimes, but when you have a better relationship with food, and you don't need to rationalize why you get to eat that sweet treat, then you're much better off. Maybe you're that much closer to balance. But that all begins with fueling your body in a real way. You absolutely have to eat real food, good food, most of the time to get anywhere near that. A poptart a day is not moderation. That ain't gonna do it.

I certainly don't walk a tight rope with nutrition, perfectly balancing nutrition and emotional cravings. I'm not sure that's even possible. But I can say I'm the best darn balancer I've ever been, and that's saying something coming from the girls who trips on flat ground.

Not sure how you're doing with the whole "balance" thing? Start with these questions:

-Do you often feel guilt or shame over something you ate?

-Do you start new goals every so often, just to "fail" at them after a short time?

-Do you throw yourself into a new workout plan or restrictive eating manner after a time of "bad" eating?

-Do you ever eat in secret, eating much more or differently than you would in front of others?

All these can be red flags for disordered thinking when it comes to food. I've been there, and I know what it's like. I've been the girl who said "hell yeah, I just ran 6 miles, that's like 6 donuts!" Or "Nike says I burned 300 calories, what bonus food can I eat today?" And you know what? I'm still going to do that to some extent! Just like I can't tell what balance is for you, it may not be obvious in my life as well. But I know my own motives. I know that after most runs, I crave real replenishing foods now. I want lean meat for those awesome amino acids and loads of veggies to replenish my electrolytes and glycogen stores. Yeah, a donut will always sound awesome. But I promise you, the next time I eat one, I won't feel a bit guilty.