I thought being a stay-at-home mom would be easier

In theory, not going to work is easier than going to work. Going to work entails alarm clocks, morning (rushed) routines, to-go coffees, annoying coworkers, demanding bosses, all-too-short lunch breaks, more coffees, commutes, and clothes that make you wish you were back in your leggings. Staying at home means you wear whatever you dang well please, sleeping in (hallelujah, no alarm clock?!), binge-watching anything and everything Netflix has to offer, preparing and consuming healthy, well-rounded meals, hour-long, rejuvenating workouts, endless green teas, and really just total relaxation because, duh, you're at home.

(INSERT RECORD SCREECH!)

Ok, so I didn't actually think being a stay-at-home mom would go quite like that, but I had no idea how little control I would have over my own schedule. I DID think I would be much better at allotting my fitness time and planning and preparing good meals. I DID think showering everyday wouldn't be an issue at all. I DID think I'd manage to look presentable and maybe even pretty when Marcus gets home every day. I DID think I'd have my baby on a daycare-like routine, because babies need routines, right?

Oh how funny preconceived notions are.

The reality is always a butt-kicker, isn't it? Life is fun that way. It appears to be one thing from the outside and is so 100% different once you're in it. It's an absolute mirage.

Now, I'm not complaining. I'm not saying I wish I was at a 9-5 right now. I don't wish my baby was at daycare where I'd be missing him and wishing I could hold him. My life is good. So so good.

But so much tougher than I imagined!

I don't wake up to an alarm, but I do wake up to the sweet stirrings of my groggy baby. He is so funny in that he is more like me in that way. Marcus wakes right up in the morning. Me? I'm a process. So is Rhett. He stirs for a good 30 minutes before he ever cries. Which is great because we get to rouse slowly together. I have to be on my game though and immediately get to pumping because A) morning pumps are the BEST. The output is amazing. and B) I need to at least be in the process of pumping or be done with it by the time Marcus puts Rhett in our bed, or else it ain't happening for at least an hour. And momma don't play that engorgement game. OUCH.

Between pumping every 2-3 hours from 5 AM-9 PM to bottle feeding a baby who loves to fall asleep eating, that's a huge portion of my life. Exclusive pumping is worth it to me for Rhett to be getting the awesome nutrition from breastmilk, but it very much dictates my days. A friend told me that the first 6 weeks would be the hardest, and she was so right. Now that we're settled into a routine with it, it isn't so bad. I'm so used to the lack of freedom at this point that I don't even think much about it.

We are in a small town that we've only lived in for 5 months, so we don't have much of a support system here. This can be an extremely lonely existence if I let it be. I've found it's absolutely vital that I get out of the house everyday. We love to go eat lunch with Marcus at the hospital or get out to the park or the store. Whatever reminds me that I'm a part of a bigger world is helpful. It's easy to feel all-consumed with a new baby, I've discovered.

Being at home, I'm constantly reminded of all the things I need to work on! There are tiny messes all over my house, and I swear Rhett has a radar for when I start to get productive. If I start a load of laundry, he kicks the neediness up to a 10. Heaven forbid I try to make myself a real meal! Prepping snacks and foods when Marcus is home is vital to my nutritional success. I currently have a huge bag of cut, raw bell peppers for a quick snack, leftovers galore, and Nature Valley/Clif/Victory bars for when all I can grab is a bar to munch on.

As Rhett grows to be less of a newborn and more of an interactive baby, things are definitely getting easier. Talking to him from a few feet away is getting more acceptable to him, but not for very long. Sometimes just walking out of his line of sight for 5 seconds is cause for a total meltdown. I can see why they call the first child a "throwaway" because it is all about trial and error. Parenting is such a learning experience, and I screw it up and get a little bit more comfortable with it every single day. It is teaching me to be more flexible, more forgiving, and really just more thankful. I know that this time with my sweet baby is going to fly, so I'm absorbing every little memory. I rock this baby to sleep with no worry about spoiling him, I pick him up when he cries, and I let my world revolve around him.

And when he smiles in my arms in his sleep, I'm reminded that being a stay-at-home mom is so worth it.